


The Gods must be crazy

by kriscat



Series: The Chaos Series [1]
Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 21:39:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1443850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriscat/pseuds/kriscat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the God's complain about their duties, Zeus decides to teach them a lesson. Chaos erupts, and Joxer and the fabulous four are in the middle of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gods must be crazy

**Author's Note:**

> This was written years ago. Since I have no way to access the acount I used to create my old webpage, I've decided to upload my old fics here on AO3 before the old page disappears.
> 
> This is an answer to the Deity Switch challenge that someone posted on the Joxerotica list. I don't remember who it was, but my muse would not leave me alone until this was written, so enjoy! 
> 
> Big hugs and thanks to my Beta Christine who helped me make this readable for you all.

It all started in Zeus' great hall on Olympus. 

Later, most Gods put the blame on Hermes since he was the one complaining the loudest. However, everybody also agreed that Zeus being stressed out and in desperate need of a vacation, had a part of the blame too. That saved Hermes from a rather nasty looking lynch mob. 

Zeus had had a couple of bad years. Living with Hera was never easy and after Hercules' birth, he had to be more careful when he chose his bed partners. He'd started to get a bad reputation as a lover. That meant that it got harder and harder for him to get a willing partner. These days, he almost always had to take the shape of a mortal to get some action. Somehow sex was so much better when he could brag about being King of the Gods. It helped boast his stamina. 

Having to sort out all the bickering gods didn't help either. Just thinking about the Hades/Persephone/Demeter racket made him want to cry. Not to mention Ares' fights with Hercules. Or Hercules' fights with all the other Gods. His youngest son had a bad habit of wreckingtemples when he wanted attention. That was not popular on Olympus. 

So no one could really blame Zeus for finally snapping when he overheard Hermes' conversation with Artemis. 

"I'm just so tired of running around with messages all the time, not to mention that escorting the dead gig. If I'd known about this, I'd never have traded my lyre for Apollo's sandals!" Hermes sighed. "I hardly have time to lie, cheat or steal any more!" 

"I know how you feel," Artemis agreed. "Being in the woods all the time gets kind of boring and after a couple of centuries, you get tired of hunting. I wouldn't mind Cupid's job though, shooting arrows at people has got to be more fun than shooting at animals." 

"Exactly!" The god of thieves nodded. "Now, I wouldn't mind Apollo's job. Staying in the sun sounds fine to me. Actually, anything is better than this slavery of a job Father stranded me with!" 

"Is that so?" Zeus glared at his ungrateful children. He looked around the hall. Most conversations had stopped and the Gods and Goddesses tried to overhear what had gotten Zeus off the reel this time. 

The King of the Gods roared. "Is there anyone else who isn't happy with his or her job description!?" 

His answer was some mumbling, some scraping of feet, some murmurs and some comments. 

"Yeah." 

"Pretty much." 

"I wouldn't mind something else…" 

No one however, seemed to be able to look him in the eyes. They all reminded him of young children. Squirming, blushing and a bit embarrassed. 

"Very well then," Zeus snarled. "You'll get what you want!" He summoned a big hat with several pieces of parchment in it. He then made the black hat hover in the air in the middle of the hall. 

Zeus continued. "On each piece of parchment a Godhood is written. All Gods in this room, including myself, will draw one piece and then be that God for a year, or after a month if a majority wants to trade back." 

Ares stammered, "But...but, I don't want to trade! I LIKE being war!" 

"Tough, deal with it," was his father's reply. He continued. "Not to upset the public, we will appear in our new Godhood's shape. Meaning, if Hermes draws Goddess of Love, he will show up as Aphrodite. He will also take all the prayers directed to her and not those directed to Hermes! I'm sure Hecate can come up with a decent glamour or spell for it before we trade so we don't have to waste energy on shape shifting. Does everybody understand?" 

The Gods slowly nodded. Ares looked ready to blast something. He didn't. If he destroyed anything here, Hera would be pissed at him since she was the one who'd decorated the hall. A year as another God wasn't worth risking his mother's wrath. He really didn't feel like spending the next couple of centuries as a frog or snake. 

The Gods lined up one after the other to draw a new Godhood. 

All but Gaea. She just looked at Zeus and raised an eyebrow. "I assume I'm not involved in this little game of yours, Grandson. It would…displease me." 

Zeus gave her a faint smile. "Of course not, Grandmother." 

Some things in this world are universal whether it deals with Gods, mortals or anything in between. Power corrupts, no one is without envy, a cat is always smarter than it's owner, and you just don't boss your grandmother around. Even if you are King of the Gods. 

Hephaestus was first in line and drew the position as Sea God. "Guess I'll be doing your job, Uncle Poseidon," he said with a shrug and patiently waited for his wife to draw next. 

Aphrodite stared at her piece of paper. Then she stared again. She looked at Heph. "I'm the new Goddess of War and Wisdom," she whispered. 

Ares laughed at his sister and then looked at his own parchment and growled. "I got Apollo's job. I simply *refuse* to learn to play the lyre!" His parchment disappeared in a flame of fire and Ares sat down on a chair to brood. 

Apollo tried very hard not be insulted on behalf of his former Godhood and stepped up to the hat. "Great," he said, not sounding overly pleased. "I'm moving to Asphodel. At least I drew king of the Underworld and not Queen." And Hades has a major power source. He thought for himself. 

One after the other, the Gods continued to draw for their new Godhoods. The hall was soon filled with laughter when Hera became Goddess of Love and Athena God of Thieves, Messengers and Liars. 

"Let's see how long you can manage my work load without stressing out!" Hermes teased and pulled Demeter's Godhood out of the hat. "Well, at least I'll get some rest, watching things grow are supposed to be relaxing." 

Eris became Goddess of the Hearth. "Cool, fire!" She grinned and then laughed at Apollo when Hecate became Queen of the Underworld. Not exactly the company the former sun God had hoped for. She stopped laughing when Artemis drew her old discord Godhood. "She better not screw up my plans too much," she growled. 

Eris soon forgot all about Artemis when Poseidon became Goddess of Marriages and Childbirth. Hera's Godhood also made him Queen of the Gods. Somehow, that stroke everybody, except Poseidon, as amusing. 

Persephone became Goddess of the Hunt and Demeter got Hecate's Godhood. Hestia as God of War brought a smile to all lips, except Ares' who just groaned and continued to curse the fact he'd gone to this party in the first place. 

However, when Zeus drew God of Mischief and Cupid, King of the Gods, Ares rolled on the floor hysterically laughing and giggling together with Strife. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. Seeing his father as Mischief was worth some suffering. Cupid as sky God was a big bonus. 

Hades got Cupid's job and then there was only Hephaestus' Godhood left for Strife, still rolling on the floor in a laughing fit. 

"Alright then," Zeus said. "Hecate, start working on a spell that can change out Godhoods. Remember, it's supposed to be temporary!" 

He looked at the others. "The rest of you can start writing down your former Godhood's different jobs and responsibilities on a scroll for your replacement. Like a Godhood manual. We meet here tomorrow at noon." He glared, mostly at Ares. "If you're not here, I'll get you. And it won't be a pleasant trip."

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Next morning_   
There was a subdued group of Gods who arrived to the Hall of the Gods. Most of them had started to realize that this might not be such a good idea after all. There were several angry glares towards Hermes and Artemis who had started the whole thing. 

Zeus entered together with Hecate carrying a large crystal. "Good morning, I'm glad to see that no one slept in. Hecate is done with the spell." He turned to Hecate. "Why don't you explain how this works." He gave her the crystal. 

She held it up so everyone could see. 

"This crystal is called the Chaos stone. Gaea was kind enough to let me borrow it. It will act as a trigger, like a catalyst. All we have to do is concentrate out power on the crystal and think about the Godhood we're suppose to receive. If we want to change back we do the same thing, only backwards. Until then, I suggest that the King of the Gods keeps it safe. Because we can't get our original Godhoods back without it." 

Zeus nodded. "He'll have to take an oath on the river Styx to keep it safe and bring it to us after a year or when a majority ask, of course." He gave Cupid a look of apology. "It's not that I don't trust you, son. But this way there will be no doubts or bad feelings. You will have enough on your mind. There is no reason to add suspicious Gods to the list." 

Cupid nodded. "Sounds good to me." 

Hecate continued, "The spell will let you tap in to your new Godhood. You'll be able to use any special powers that comes with it, receive prayers and to most followers, you will look like the deity they were expecting. However, the spell has one glitch. Demigods and mortals who had a longer sexual relationship with a God can see through the glamour and see the real you. Don't ask me why. Gaea just smiled and said Chaos had her reasons." 

"So if I meet one of Hermes's old lovers, she'll recognize me?" Ares asked. 

"She'll see through the glamour, yes. But very few know how all the gods really looks. There is a big chance that she'll believe you're Apollo, or that you're experimenting with a new look. I wouldn't worry." Hecate raised on eyebrow. "Besides who would believe her when everyone else clearly sees Apollo, the golden one?" 

Zeus asked, "Any more questions? No? Good! Let's begin the ritual." 

In complete silence and concentration, all Gods directed their powers into the crystal. It started to glow and in a bright flash, they felt their new Godhood. The ritual was as easy as Hecate said, but it was exhausting. The Olympians were soon divided into small groups seated in comfortable leather chairs, reading the scrolls concerning their new Godhood. The air was soon full with comments. 

Cupid frowned. "So I'm not only going to rule the gods, deal with the paperwork, and make sure it rains when it's suppose to. I also have to punish those who lie or break an oath. That's like half the population!" 

Ares laughed. "Don't worry, son. Zeus doesn't take those duties very serious so you don't have to either. If he did, Hermes would loose all his followers!" 

He started to read his own scroll. "I'm also God of Truths. I didn't know that… " He read more thorough. His eyes moved to slits. "Hey! This thing says I can't tell a lie! I guess that explains Apollo's tendency for bragging." Realizing what it would mean, he moaned. "This really sucks!" 

Trying to make Ares think of something else, Aphrodite said, "Did you know that Athena invented the plow and the bridle? It seems fitting somehow..." They all snickered. 

Eris couldn't believe her eyes. "I have to stay celibate?!" She continued, "Protecting the hearth and home? What is this crap?!" 

"Oh quit complaining, child." Hecate interrupted. "At least you have something to do. Persephone only has one title, and that's Queen of the Underworld. So basically the only thing the twit does is sit in Aphsodel moaning after the sun and her mother or sitting in a field somewhere moaning after Hades. Very boring." 

Apollo grinned, "Hey, I'm also God of Wealth! I didn't know that. Wait a minute, what does have to invite Tisiphone, Megaera, and Alecto to dinner at least once a month mean? Aren't they the furies?" 

Zeus smiled, "Oh, yeah. Hades lost the draw and got stuck with that duty. I'd forgotten all about it. Gaea insisted one of us had to keep in touch with them. They are family after all. Aunts I think, and you don't want them annoyed at us Olympians." 

Hermes, oblivious to the ongoing conversation exclaimed, "Aha! So that's what goes on during the Eleusinian Mysteries! I've been curious." Not being able to find out what really went on during Demeter's festival every fifth year had really bugged him. He didn't like secrets, unless he was in on them. 

All conversations ended when Poseidon, New Goddess of Childbirth and Marriages, roared. "I have to help her deliver WHAT?!" 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hercules' and Iolaus' first clue that something wasn't quite right, came two weeks later in a small village's only tavern. Three battered soldiers were drinking and comparing battle stories at the table next to them. 

"I swear Ares is crazy this days!" The comment made by one of the soldiers made the two heroes interested. 

"What do you mean, Ares is crazy?" Hercules asked, wondering what his evil half brother was up to now. 

"I'm telling you, he's a complete loony!" The drunken soldier answered. "Let me tell you what happened last week. I'm G.I Joeus by the way." He moved to their table. And sat down. 

Unfortunately, he didn't sit down on a chair. 

Gratefully he accepted Hercules' hand and let the hero practically drag him off the floor. Finally seated in a chair he continued, "I was in the Threceian army, it was ok. Not so much pay, but the food was decent, they supplied equipment and the bosses weren't completely stupid when it came to leading an army." 

He leaned closer to Hercules. "And the wenches that followed the army wasn't bad. If you know what I mean…" He wiggled his eyebrows. 

Then he became sad. 

"But everything changed when Ares took personal interest in our occupation of Myrthios. At first it was little things like ordering us to wash up every day. We just assumed it was some new rule for worship, but it got worse. I swear he talked about the importance of the home and wanted to hear us talk about our children! And he wanted to know our feelings! Telling us to get in touch with our inner selves so we could be happier." He gave Iolaus a confused look. "Since when is the God of War concerned about his followers happiness?" 

Iolaus just stared at him. "Are you sure it was Ares?" he asked. 

"Yep. His high priest from his temple in Threce was with us. Had seen Ares lots of times. And he did that appearing and disappearing thingie the Gods are supposed to do." 

Hercules frowned, "Why would Ares act like that?" 

"I don't know but it got worse! A friend and I were involved in a little misunderstanding with a couple of other guys. So we did our best to resolve the matter, beating them senseless, that is. We had a good fight going on, and it wasn't like a battle would start anytime soon. You know, just a little good quarrel to pass time. Ares broke it up!" G.I Joeus' chin started to shiver and he looked at Herc with tears in his eyes. "And then, instead of giving us some bruises for annoying him or something, he… he…" 

"He did what?" Hercules touched the soldiers shoulder in a comforting gesture. He knew how cruel Ares could be and how hard it would be to talk about something like that. "You can tell us," he said gently. 

"He said… He told us that we was behaving very badly and demanded that we went to our tents without supper and thought about what we'd done!" 

Herc couldn't believe what he was hearing. 

G.I Joeus continued, "But that wasn't the worst. Two days later, Ares forbid us to visit the wenches! He threw them out and called them *homewreckers*!" 

The soldier threw him self in Herc's arms sobbing violently. "All I want is a little war to fight in, a wench once in a while and a big bad War God to worship. Is that too much to ask for?" 

Hercules looked at Iolaus. 

Iolaus looked at Hercules. 

Both were speechless. What was the world coming to if you couldn't even rely on Ares to be the big bad God of War? 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hades looked around at the dancing place for his prey.   
The mortals jumped around doing something that probably were supposed to be dancing to some noise, probably supposed to be music. He suddenly missed the old days. Now, Hera, she could dance… 

There was the girl, not exactly pretty. Her eyes were too wide apart, her nose a bit too long and her lips a bit too thin. But her hair had a nice chestnut color and her eyes were kind. She stood alone by the counter shyly looking at a handsome blond boy, laughing with his friends, oblivious to her existence. 

Hades actually felt sorry for the plain girl. 

Reaching for his bow and an arrow, he realized he'd left them at Olympus. He sighed. If the others ever found this out he'd never be able to live this down. Oh, well. Let's do this the old fashion way. 

He made himself visible in front of the girl, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her towards the boy. "Here!" he snarled, shoving the poor girl into the boy's arms. 

The mortals just stared at the winged blond god before them. 

"Oh, just get on with it." Hades ordered. Still not getting a response, he continued. "You" He gave the boy's head a light tap. "Are suppose to love that one!" He pointed at the girl. 

The boy looked at him and looked like he was gathering up his courage to ask something. "Why?" he finally managed to squeak out 

Hades glared at him. "Because I say so." He pointed at his chest, "Me god." He pointed at the boy, "You mortal." He went up in the boy's face. "You do, I say. That's the rules," he snarled. 

The boy decided that there was no reason to argue with a god and kissed the girl who was standing there in shock. 

"That's more like it!" Hades nodded for himself. He was good at this. He didn't even need Cupid's bow. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hercules' next clue came two days after the encounter at the tavern.   
He and Iolaus were walking down a dusty road as usual traveling to Ptolomea where a festival honoring Apollo soon would start. 

Iolaus couldn't wait. Three days full of beautiful girls, funny games, girls, great food, more girls, bards, performances and then there was all the girls… 

Hercules also looked forward to the festival. Mostly so Iolaus would quit nagging him about it. 

Suddenly the air sparkled blue and an older man with a gray beard appeared. 

At first Iolaus thought it was Zeus, but then he noticed that the man's appearance seemed to flicker and he saw Cupid underneath. The appearance continued to change between Zeus and Cupid for a while, then it stayed on Cupid. 

Cupid smiled at Hercules. "Oh, hi Herc, there you are! I've been looking all over for you!" 

Hercules just stared at the appearance before him. His jaw hanged wide open and he couldn't really believe what he saw. Surely Cupid wasn't stupid enough to be claiming to be Zeus. 

Cupid continued, "I'm like supposed to be your father now. So if you like need something, I'm totally there for you, man." He patted Herc affectionately on the shoulder in a manner he thought fatherly. "Excuse me, but I have to seduce a woman as a goat now. Later!" 

He sighed; being Zeus was hard work, even for the former God of Love. His grand father really had some awesome stamina for an old man. 

He left before Herc's brain could manage to send a message to his lips to start asking questions. 

Iolaus asked, "Did you just see what I saw?" 

"Gods, I hope not," was his friend's reply. "Because that would mean that we are both crazy." 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zeus sighed. Being God of Mischief wasn't as easy as he thought it would be. For over two weeks, he'd tried to make trouble, mishaps and mayhem. With no success. He just didn't have any talent for this kind of job. Not like Strife, who really had a talent to make… well, strife. 

All his pranks had failed. 

When he tried to spread out dirty rumors about an Athenian councilman, all he got was shoulder shrugs and "so what else is new?" comments. 

When he stole a diamond from a greedy merchant and hid it at his widowed neighbor's house to start a nice controversy between neighbors, the widow found the stone before the city guards and thought it was a love gift from her handsome neighbor. She immediately went to thank him. It turned out the merchant had had a thing for the sweet widow for years. He got a wedding instead of a quarrel. Hades had been very grateful. 

Gluing the new fire God's boots to the floor had only made Strife laugh. He'd said it was a pathetic practical joke for the God of Mischief to pull and that Zeus should practice more. 

If he failed any thing else, he'd be the laughingstock of Olympus. 

No, he had to make this work. 

It couldn't be said that the King of the Gods was unable to do a minor gods work. That would do murder with his reputation. He just needed to warm up that's all. 

If he just got one real good prank going, the rest would surly be easy. But what to do… 

He looked around in the hall. Usually there was always some Gods hanging out here. The great hall had always been the place to stop by for some company or the latest gossip. 

But since the big deity switch, it was empty. Those involved in the switch were too busy figuring out their new responsibilities and the others didn't want to risk ending up in a similar situation. 

As a matter of fact, he hadn't seen anyone here since the day they all used the crystal. 

The crystal. Named the Chaos Stone. 

The probably most valuable object in the Greek world right now. Without it, the Gods wouldn't be able to switch back. 

The crystal Cupid had sworn on the river Styx to return. The crystal Zeus had seen Cupid hide in the protection box in his office. 

In Zeus' former office. 

In a protection box, which Zeus knew how to open. 

The new God of Mischief grinned. It would be fun to see how Cupid would handle the situation when he realized the gem was gone. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sun god Apollo descended from Olympus in all his glory. The priests and healers in his temple bowed and praised their shining God. 

They were all very honored that he had graced them with his presence and showed him the different patients. Those on their way to recovery and those that no human could heal. 

Perhaps today they would be witnesses to a divine miracle or two by their God. Surely the greatest of Zeus' children. 

The mortals watched the blond God in awe as he walked into the room for the sick and looked at the patients. 

Four bards hurriedly started to play their lyres to remind the healers that Apollo was their God too. 

Ares wanted to hurl. 

Healing had never appealed to him. Hurting was so much more fun. This was just time consuming and boring. He looked at his brother's priests. Dumb as sheep, all of them. All filled with worship and expecting miracles. 

Apollo always had to show off. 

Ares' warriors didn't expect miracles. They were happy to come out of his temple alive. They didn't worship him out of love or for miracles. They feared him. All they wanted was to win their wars and maybe get more power out of it. They didn't care for big entries and light shows. As long as they could loot, maim and kill, they were happy. 

He missed them. 

And thanks to those big mouths Hermes and Artemis he had to play a goody two shoes and perform like a circus animal. As Strife would say, this really sucked. 

He leaned down to the mortal in the closest bed and said, "If you don't heal this instant, I'll make you really, really sorry..." 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zeus tried to giggle insanely. He wasn't any good at it, but at least he tried. 

Stealing the Chaos Stone was easy. 

All he had to do was wait until Cupid left the temple to go carousing. His grandson seemed to think that was all the King of the Gods did with his spare time. The poor boy would soon be completely worn out. Ah, the stamina of youth. 

Zeus liked his office. It had a comfortable feeling about it. Light with a big oak desk, big urns against the walls containing scrolls and soft carpets from the East on the floor. 

The protection box was easy to find in the hole in the south wall, covered by the tapestry Hera had made. 

Ares had made the hole with his first complete fire bolt when he still was learning to control his powers. Zeus had been so proud of him! It was quite an accomplishment at the age of four. He had kept it there as a remainder of times when his relationship weren't so complicated with his dark son. What had gone wrong? 

Hera had given him the tapestry as an anniversary gift. Zeus really didn't know why he'd kept it. He'd never been able to decide what was uglier, the hole or the tapestry. 

He always wondered if the goats in the tapestry weren't really a subtle insult from his wife. He was aware of his nickname, after all. 

He transported out of the office to Strife's temple. 

And from Strife's temple to Corinth, and from Corinth to Thrace, and from Thrace to Create and so on. So no one could trace him if they thought about it. 

Finally he arrived in a small underground cave. 

Zeus smiled. He had good memories of this cave. Most involving two nymphs and some peanut butter. No one else knew about it. It was perfect. He'd created it as a hideaway from Hera. Grinning, he laid the crystal in a corner and left. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joxer's stomach growled. He was hungry and his supplies were low. But the bard he'd met said that Gabrielle and Xena was in Karlio. If he wanted a good chance to catch up with them he couldn't afford the time to try to hunt something down. It usually took him hours. 

Suddenly he saw it. 

Like a gift from the gods, the apple tree stood in the middle of a meadow. 

It was huge with big red apples. 

His mouth started to water. 

He might not have the time to hunt, but he sure enough had time to eat some apples. He ran over the grassland. Half across, he couldn't help to notice that he hadn't fallen or stumbled. 

Then the ground opened under his feet and he fell down. 

He landed in a cave, only illuminated by the hole he'd fell through. He rose with a moan, it had been quite a fall. Fortunately, he was used to falling. 

Joxer looked around searching for a way to get out. In a corner he saw something glittering. He went in for a closer look. 

It was a large crystal. 

"Oh, nice and shiny!" he said and absentmindedly put it in his pocket. He continued to look after an exit but the only way out was through the opening he came from. 

An opening several feet over his head. With nothing to help him reach it. He sighed. It was hopeless. In pure desperation, he tried to jump. 

Amazingly, it worked. One second he was in the cave and the next was he standing next to the hole in the meadow. 

"I must be a better jumper than I thought," he said to himself. 

"Of course I am! I'm Joxer the Mighty!" Singing his theme song he walked to the tree and started to pick apples. 

Maybe he would catch up with Xena and Gabby today after all. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ha! Read them and weep, Cuz!" Strife shouted in triumph. He wiped some sweat off his forehead. It was hot in the forge. 

Phobos sighed, pouted and threw away his cards. "This isn't fun any more. I've already lost two of Aphrodite's love potions; a dagger used by Cronos himself, not to mention my favorite chariot. And now one of Artemis' special arrows. I don't want to play anymore," he complained. 

"Ya should've taken the card lessons Unc Hermes offered. I did!" Strife grinned. 

Phobo's eyes narrowed to slits. "You mean you've been cheating the whole time?" 

"Hey, it's only cheating if ya get caught. Which I didn't," was Strife's reply. 

Then he was tackled to the ground and Phobos did the best he could to beat the crap out of him. Naturally, that meant that Strife had to show him exactly why *he* used to be the first lieutenant of war and not Phobos. 

Laying on the ground in Hephaistos' forge with his arms trapped over his head and Strife on top of him, Phobos yielded. "All right! I give up, already!" 

Strife's head came closer, "Good." And he kissed his cousin gently on the lips. "Course I think we can do sumthin' bettah than fighting." 

Phobos let the kiss deepen, and the two young gods were soon involved in a serious game of tonsil hockey. 

Phobos stopped, "Wait!" He panted, "Before we get started, I almost forgot the reason I came here. I need a new sword." 

Strife sat up with a frown. "Ya want ta have a sword? So wat got that ta do with me? Do I look like a blacksmith ta you?" 

Then he grinned sheepishly, "Oh... I kinda forgot..." 

"It doesn't matter," Phobos dragged him back down on the floor. "It can wait." 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hercules just stared. He didn't believe his eyes. He pinched his arm to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Nope. It was true. Out on the battlefield in a great battle armor, leading the Spartan forces was… 

His Aunt Hestia. 

Hestia, the virgin goddess of the hearth. 

Waving the sword of war stained with blood, encouraging her Spartan warriors. 

A fast look at Iolaus told him that the hunter saw the same thing. He gave him an easy push and Iolaus closed his mouth. 

"Let's find out what's going on," Herc said and started to work his way towards Hestia on the battlefield. Iolaus shrugged and followed. 

"Come on lads! Show those Alteamians what you're made of!" 

The armor clad goddess shouted. "Oh, you can do better boys! That's more like it!" 

"Aunt… Aunt Hestia," Hercules stuttered. Seeing his usually gentle aunt in full battle gear was confusing to say the least. 

The plump middle aged woman turned around. She had not so little gray in her mouse brown hair. Over her armor she wore an apron. The effect was quite startling. 

"Oh, hi dearie!" she said and gave her nephew a smile and a little wave. "I guess we have to fight now." She started to move closer. Still smiling her 'Trust me dearie, I'm your favorite aunt, Do you want some cookies?' smile. "Well, Hercules this will hurt me more than you." She stopped. "No it won't. This is fun!" She raised her hand zapped him with something similar to Zeus' lightning bolt. 

Hercules disappeared. 

Seeing Iolaus worried look, Hestia tried to calm him down. "Don't worry, Sweetie. I just transported him a few miles away from here. I'm sure you'll catch up with him if you walk that way." She pointed. 

"Eh… thanks ma'am;" Iolaus said. Trying not to annoy the Goddess into giving him the same treatment as his friend. Then his curiosity became too strong. "Exactly what are you doing? I thought you were most interested in protecting homes." 

Hestia smiled, "Oh, hasn't any one told you guys? I thought Cupid would have by now. I'm the new God of War." She disappeared in a red light. 

Iolaus just shrugged and started walking. If he were lucky it wouldn't take long for him to find Herc. He started to believe G.I Joeus was right. The Gods were crazy. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gabrielle smiled. It was a beautiful day, a great morning, and not a cloud in the sky, plenty of food for breakfast and a creek nearby to wash up in. What else could a warrior princess and an amazon bard want? 

Not even Joxer's presence could ruin this morning. She frowned. That wasn't a nice thought. She didn't really mean it. Joxer was a good friend and had a gentle soul. Always doing his best and absolutely loyal. Hurting him was like hitting a puppy. If only he wasn't so annoying… 

She looked at the sleeping bundle on the bedroll. When he was sleeping, Joxer even looked a bit sweet. Too bad it didn't last when he was awake. In that case maybe a girl would have been interested in him and talked him out of his dream to be a warrior and made him settle down. 

She shook her head thinking about Joxer dream to be something he had no talents for. Some people needed to wake up and face reality. 

She continued to wait for Xena's return from the creek where she was taking a bath. 

Joxer woke up with a shout, "No Captain Bridger, I didn't skin Darwin. Honest!!" 

He looked at Gabrielle who was preparing breakfast. "Morning Gabby!" He gave her a sunny smile. "I had the strangest dream." Not waiting for her to ask him about it, (because a small voice in his head said that she wouldn't,) he continued. "I dreamt I was onboard a big boat that was under water and there was this talking dolphin and I just had to..." 

"That's nice Joxer. Breakfast is ready," Gabrielle interrupted, not really paying attention to what Joxer said, after all Xena was coming back from the creek. 

"Good morning Joxer," she gave the wannabe warrior a smile. His hair stood on ends and he didn't seem quite awake. He looked more like an innocent child than the brute warrior he tried to be. Xena liked him better this way. There were enough brutish warriors in the world and too few people as Joxer as far as she was concerned. Half of the time he made her laugh with his enthusiasm and optimism and will never to give up. Too bad that he used the rest of the time driving her completely mad… 

"We better hurry to eat breakfast, so we can get a good start to Ptolomea. The travelers Gabrielle and I met in Karlio said that something strange was happening there," she said. 

Joxer and Gabrielle quickly started to hurry, obeying the warrior princess as usual. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hercules was furious. After getting out of the swamp he'd rudely been transported to, it had taken him three hours to find Iolaus. He was tired, wet, and muddy, and Iolaus claimed that he smelled. 

This was not one of his best days. Aunt Hestia and Cupid were clearly out of their minds. Practically growling he called for the one most likely to spill the beans and tell him what was happening on Olympus. 

"Aphrodite!" 

The Goddess of Love appeared in a flash filled with golden sparkles and rose pedals. She was as aesthetic as ever with her blond hair in an exceptional hairstyle. Her delicate face was so beautiful that no artist ever would be able too completely copy it. Her body an exquisite work of art. 

However, what Hercules saw, was his stepmother Hera, dressed in one of Aphrodite's skimpy pink dresses. For him, that was not a pretty sight. As a matter of fact, the image would haunt him for years. 

The former Queen of the Gods looked around. "You bellowed?" she asked, and then saw Iolaus. "Hiya Sweetcheeks!" she exclaimed and waved enthusiastically. Then she made a face, showing revulsion and said, disgusted, "I think I'm going to throw up." 

She glared at her stepson, "When things are back to normal, I'm going to make your father's life a living Tartarus." 

"Why are you here, and where is Aphrodite?" Herc asked trying not to look at Hera. 

"Why? I'll tell you why!" Hera sneered and came closer. "It's the old goat's fault!" 

She was now so close to Hercules that he had to concentrate on only looking at her face while repeating the same mantra in his head over and over. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Severely traumatized, Hercules decided to keep his eyes closed. 

Hera continued, "That sniveling little thief and Apollo's ugly twin complained about their responsibilities. And since the horny bastard have been under a lot of pressure lately, mostly thanks to you," she gave Herc an evil look, "he flipped. Went completely nuts and decided that all Gods present should trade places with each other. So now I'm stuck making stupid mortals fall in love and wearing things like this!" 

She made a gesture towards her dress. "And why am I telling you this? I thought Cupid was supposed to talk to you." 

"He said something about him being Herc's father, and then he had to transform himself into a sheep or goat or something." Iolaus answered helpfully when it didn't seem like Hercules would do anything else than standing there with his eyes closed and giving out a whimper once in a while. 

"What's Jerkules' problem?" Hera raised an eyebrow and turned to Iolaus. "Has his brain finally given up on him? I must admit that I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner." 

"I think it was the sight of you in your, eh, outfit." Iolaus confessed a bit embarrassed. 

Hera looked at her dress. "It's not that bad, is it?" she asked confused. 

"Oh no, not at all!" Iolaus said hurriedly. Insulting Hera and visiting the God of the Dead wasn't on his list of things to do today. "As a matter of fact, I think you look lovely," he added. 

"Why, thank you!" Hera smiled. "Why an intelligent handsome young man like you hang out with this dumb oaf," she gestured towards Hercules. "I can't understand." 

She walked up to Hercules again, "Well, this doesn't work. Since Cupid failed to explain, I guess I have to. And I don't have all day." She stared up in Herc's face. He was still having his eyes closed, but he'd stopped whimpering. 

"Snap out of it!" she suddenly yelled and slapped him in the face. 

Strangely enough, it worked. 

"Good now sit down and listed. I promise I'll explain so easy and slowly that even you should understand it, Jerkules. And if it is too much for you to comprehend, I'm sure that Iolaus can fill you in later." She glared at them, "What are you just standing there for? SIT!" 

The two friends quickly obeyed. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I guess it's just you and me, Argo," Joxer said to Xena's horse. Looking longingly at the warrior princess and her blond friend walking quite a distance before him. 

Argo favored a leg and had to take it easy, Xena had said. 

So who ended up on horse sitting duty? 

Joxer. 

He didn't mind walking Argo, but it would've been nice if the others slowed down and included him in their conversation. He felt so lonely and excluded, walking behind Xena and Gabrielle like this. If they didn't want to talk with him, what was the point of joining them? He felt less lonely when he was by himself and didn't have this reminder. Besides, when he was away from Xena, he often had company… 

No! Xena and Gabrielle were his friends and he was very lucky to have them, and to be around them. If only he had someone to talk to. 

"I wish you could talk to me, Argo," he sighed depressed. 

Still looking at Gabby and Xena's backs, he didn't notice the shimmer that suddenly appeared around the horse. 

"But even if you really could talk, you probably wouldn't want to talk to me," the wannabe warrior continued. 

"Don't sell yourself so short, Joxer. I find you quite likeable." 

Joxer froze, and then turned around searching for the source of the voice. 

Nothing. 

The only one around was Argo. "Great. Now I'm going crazy. Hearing voices. Someone of the powers to be really doesn't like me." 

"I like you; Joxer. You are a lot better than the blonde." 

Joxer stared at Argo. He could've sworn that the horse just spoke. But that was impossible. Wasn't it? Just to be sure he asked, "Did you just speak?" 

"Duh. Do you see someone else here?" the horse answered. 

Pale as a sheet, Joxer did the only rational thing to do. 

He yelled, "Xeeeeeena!" at the top of his lungs and ran after her and the bard. 

"What's the matter, Joxer? Are we being attacked?" Xena asked, a bit amused since she couldn't sense any danger. 

"Ttt… Talked. The hhh… horse talked." Joxer stuttered. 

Xena raised an eyebrow, "Really? What did she say?" 

"That she li…liked me!" Joxer answered. 

Gabrielle giggled, "Oh dear! I didn't realize you were so desperate that you would dream up conversations with a horse! Don't worry, Joxer. We'll help you find a girl who likes you for real. A human girl." She snorted. 

"Like you have had a lot of luck in the love department, Blondie." No one had noticed that Argo had caught up with the trio. 

Xena stared at her horse. "You talked," she said, almost accusingly. 

"Yep. Sure do. Isn't it cool?" the horse asked. 

"My horse talks. Horses don't talk," Xena pondered still in shock. 

Gabrielle just stood there with her mouth opened. "You're going to catch flies if you keep this up," Argo said to her and gave out a horse-like laughter. (Probably because she was a horse) 

"Since horses don't usually talk, this is likely the work of a God!" Xena smiled proudly. Satisfied with her conclusion. 

"Probably. Doesn't matter. I *like* to talk. I've never understood why you don't like the Gods in the first place. I think Ares is cool." Argo gave Xena the horse equivalent of a grin. 

Xena shook her head; she really didn't want to discus her feelings for Ares right now. "Let's just continue to Ptolomea. We can ask around in the temples there. I just don't understand what making Argo talk would accomplish." 

"Oh, Xena. Since when have the Gods made any sense?" Gabby asked 

"You're right. They usually don't. How's the leg, Argo?" Xena turned to her horse. 

"It doesn't hurt as much now. I'll be fine as long as I don't have to carry you, or run the next couple of days," the horse answered. 

"OK then. Let's go." Xena and Gabrielle started to move. 

"Uh, there is another thing," Argo said hesitantly. 

"What?" Xena snapped. The talking Argo was starting to get on her nerves. 

"Well, I've always felt different, even as a little foal. Being female just never seemed right for me. I'm a stallion trapped in a mare's body. And now, I'm ready to acknowledge that. And for the first time do I have the means to do something about it," she took a deep breath and continued. "From now on, I would appreciate if you all treated me as a stallion and called me by my new name. Mr. Ed." 

Then there was silence. The three humans just stared at the horse. 

Then Gabrielle started to laugh. 

Xena smiled, clearly amused, "OK, that's enough nonsense for one day. Let's go." 

Joxer frowned, "But this isn't nonsense! If Argo feels like a stallion and want's to be called Mr. Ed, we should respect that!" 

Gabrielle rolled her eyes, "Come on, Joxer. It's a horse!" 

"So? What's that got to do with anything?" Joxer asked. 

"A horse can't have feelings like that!" Gabrielle couldn't believe that Joxer was this stupid. 

"But I do!" Mr. Ed exclaimed. He was almost ready to cry. 

"This is ridiculous," Xena interrupted. "But if calling Argo Mr. Ed is going to get us to Ptolomea faster, I can manage."Satisfied after restoring the peace among her companions she turned around and started to walk to Ptolomea. 

Gabrielle shook her head at Joxer and Argo's stupidity and followed her. "Wait up Xena!" 

Joxer turned to Mr. Ed and gave him a pat on the back. "I support you, Mr. Ed. I think you're brave. But I guess we better follow them." 

"Yeah," Mr. Ed sighed. "It's good to at least have one friend. You can call me just Ed if you want." 

"OK. Let's go Just Ed." 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Aegean Sea was beautiful this day. The water had a deep green- blue color and the sunrays made the surface glitter like if a God had spread out diamonds in the ocean. The wind was perfect for sailing. There was a sign of peace over the whole scenario. 

A big man with scars on his face stood on a cliff looking out at the sea. At the horizon he saw a small white ship. 

On the ship most crewmen were busy working, taking advantage of the good wind. But three men had just started their lunch break. They were standing on the deck, leaning on the reeling talking about everything and nothing as people always has on their lunch breaks. 

"You know what, Dofius?" one of the men asked. 

"No, what, Meldrick?" the other one said. 

"It's really nice to have this good weather once in a while. I'm glad Poseidon gave us a break today;" Meldrick said. 

"What do you mean?" the third man asked. 

"Well, Klymo. I know you are new as a seafarer; but even you can't be so in the dark that you don't know that Poseidon must be the most mean tempered God in existence." Dofius explained patronizing. 

"Is it really a good idea to talk about Poseidon like that when we're at sea?" Klymo asked, a bit nervous. 

Meldrick laughed, "So what? Poseidon is a complete moron who needs to stop languish for the throne of Olympus and start to take care of his own kingdom and followers. Namely the sea and us sailors." 

Klymo paled, "This is really not a good time to have this conversation. As a matter of a fact, I don't think there ever is a good time for this conversation." 

"Oh, are you scared? I stand for everything I've said. And I would say it right to the asshole's ugly face if he had the guts to come here!" Meldrick boasted. 

Dofius nodded, "You tell him, Meldrick." 

Suddenly the sky darkened and the wind became harder. High waves started to push the ship. The mast started to bend and the sails soon ripped apart. A tornado started to form right over the ship. There was a loud sound of hard wood breaking and then, there was silence. 

The clouds that had covered the sun disappeared and the wind quieted down to a light breeze. The sea was once again calm. The ship was gone. All that was left were some pieces of wood and a water barrel that a terrified Klymo clanged firmly on to. "I should have listened to mom and stayed on the farm!" he wailed. 

The spectator on the cliff laughed, "Hey, what do you know! Loose lips *does* sink ships!" As he started to leave Hephaestus said to himself, "Who would have thought sinking ships could be so stress relieving?" The new God of the Sea disappeared in a blue shimmer.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It wasn't there. It was gone. 

It wasn't in the protection box were it should be. It wasn't anywhere else in the office either. 

Someone must have stolen it. Stolen the Chaos stone. But how and why? 

Cupid couldn't understand. He doubted there was any God who didn't want to change back after a month. He certainly did! 

He paled and felt a lump in his throat and like there was a big cold stone in his stomach. He'd sworn on the river Styx to keep the stone safe and return it when the majority asked. If he couldn't produce the stone by then, he was toast. 

But who could have stolen it? He'd been alone when he hid the stone. And who would have anything to benefit by taking the gem? He sat down at his desk and started to think. 

He didn't think he'd pissed someone off that much so they would steal from the King of the Gods office. As a matter of fact, very few people could even enter this office when the King of the Gods wasn't there. 

Hera could of course, but she wasn't happy being Goddess of Love. She said that she couldn't wait until this was over. Cupid believed her. Besides, Hera had no reason to hurt him. He was one of her favorite grandchildren and they had reconciled after that terrible green-eyed monster incident. 

Dad could get in, being Zeus' heir. But he was even less pleased as the God of Light than Hera as a love Goddess. And he wouldn't do this to his son. Would he? 

No. Ares wasn't stupid. And right now, he was the God of Truth as in can't lie. He wouldn't do this knowing he only had to be asked a question to get caught. 

Athena probably also had access. But somehow he doubted that the former Goddess of Wisdom would lower herself to stealing. On the other hand, she'd taken over Hermes' duties and was the present God of Thieves. It was a possibility, but he didn't think so. Athena was more likely to delegate the thieving part of her duties. 

And then there was Zeus of course. But Grandpa wouldn't steal from his grandson. Would he? 

Tartarus, yes! 

He would, if it was in his interest. And Zeus was the new God of Mischief. A job he was lousy at. All of Olympus had been snickering over Zeus failed pranks for weeks now. Stealing the Chaos stone and having the present King of the Gods going to pieces trying to find it was a prank worthy of Strife. 

Cupid's eyes narrowed. Of all the suspects, Zeus was the only one who absolutely knew where the protection box was and how to open it. 

He yelled, "Mischief!" with a voice capacity rivaling Ares'. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hercules and Iolaus met up with their friends a couple of miles from Ptolomea. The friends were all glad to see each other again and started to catch up. When Xena explained about her horse's new talent, Hercules nodded and agreed with her that a God probably was responsible. 

"I guess the best thing to do is to call for one of the gods, but I'm not sure," he said hesitantly. Hercules didn't want another shock like the one Hera gave him. He quickly explained what the Gods were up to. 

"So Hera is the Goddess of Love, Hestia is God of War and Cupid is King of the Gods. What about the rest?" Xena asked intrigued. She really wanted to know what job Ares got stuck with. She hoped it was something embarrassing like taking over his mother's duties. 

"I don't know, Hera wouldn't say." Iolaus explained. "She said we would recognize those gods that have swapped places." 

"Yeah," Herc continued. "Apparently, only Demigods and lovers to the Gods can tell the difference." 

"So that explains Hercules. But who 'helped' Iolaus to see through the glamour?" Xena teased. 

"Well," Iolaus took a deep breath. "First there is 'Dite of course, I had a fling with Strife at the Academy, Heph and I always get along, he and 'Dite usually share me." He sighed dreamily remembering a special birthday. "Deimos was just a one night stand so I don't know if he counts, Artemis really doesn't hate men, by the way. And I really only was with Zeus to get even with Hercules. Oh, and last but definitely not least, Hades." He looked at his friends who all were staring at him. "What?!" 

"Nothing," Herc answered. "I didn't know about Deimos and Heph that's all." 

Iolaus shrugged, "You never asked." 

"Despite how interesting it always is to hear about Iolaus' love life, what are we going to do about Argo?" Xena asked. 

"He wants to be called Mr. Ed," Joxer reminded her. 

Gabrielle rolled her eyes. 

"Alright. What are we going to do about Mr. Ed?" Xena asked patiently. 

"I guess we better call a God that's probably not involved in this swapping business. I doubt Athena would be part of this so she would be the best choice. Being Goddess of Wisdom and all." Hercules suggested. 

"Call her," Xena decided. 

Hercules walked away from the others so he could concentrate better. He closed his eyes and called on Athena the way his father had taught him when he was a child. It wasn't necessary to yell to get the Gods attention, but Hercules was often too angry to be able to concentrate enough to use this way to call his divine relatives. 

The Goddess of War and Wisdom arrived. Hercules stared. He'd never seen Aphrodite wearing something so unrevealing. 

"Oh, Herkie! I'm so glad you called. I need some advise, like right now," she squealed. "I'm, like the new Goddess of War and Wisdom, in case you haven't figured that out yet." Aphrodite did not have any illusions about her baby brother's intelligence. "You know that Athens is in war, sort of, with Sparta and… Do I really have to fight those guys 'cause the general is quite a hunk?" 

Hercules faced a moral dilemma. By saying no, he could stop a war. And he hated war. But if Aphrodite was the Goddess of Wisdom and War, she had a duty to protect Athens even if it meant going to war with Sparta. And she trusted him to give her good advice. 

He sighed, "I think you better, or Athena will be very angry when you guys switch back." 

"I guess you're right," 'Dite pouted. "So what did you want?" 

"What God made the horse talk?" he gestured towards Mr. Ed. 

Dite just gave the horse a glance, "It's something strange about the horse, but it's not the work of a God. I would recognize it if it were. It's something else. Sorry. Happy hunting." 

She smiled and disappeared and Hercules walked back to the others. 

"Wow, now that was a strange outfit to see Aphrodite in!" Joxer exclaimed cheerfully. 

They all stared at Joxer. 

"You saw it wasn't Athena?" Xena asked. 

"Please, I might not be an expert on the Gods like you or Hercules but I do recognize Aphrodite when I see her. After all the trouble she put me through it would be strange if I didn't," Joxer answered. 

"What? Do you mean that wasn't Athena?" Gabrielle asked, feeling very left out. The others just ignored her. 

Iolaus pondered, "But if only Demigods and lovers to the gods can see through the glamour..." 

"Who, who is your lover Joxer?" Hercules stuttered. 

The warrior wannabe's eyes glittered with amusement. "Wouldn't you all like to know..." he said looking like the cat that ate the canary and then continued to strut down the road. 

"Are you guys coming or not? I thought you were anxious to get to Ptolomea." 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apollo sat at his desk in his office in Asphodel. The usually clean and neat office was covered with scrolls, quills and other office supplies. Apollo himself used to look devastately handsome, always keeping it cool, never letting a hair fall out of place. Always having an aura of superiority and elegance. 

Right now, he looked like a stressed out hedgehog. 

"I had no idea it was this much paperwork involved when mortals died. It's so boooring," he complained to Athena. "And this place is so bad for my suntan!" 

Athena didn't look her best either. She looked worn out and was working on a scroll of her own while talking to her brother. 

"And I'm so alone!" the new Lord of the Underworld wailed. 

"Why doesn't Hecate help you?" Athena asked unaffected by Apollo's theatrical effects. 

"Hecate got to bored and went to Tartarus to help with the punishing," Apollo pouted. "Her exact words were, 'Why don't you take your fucking scrolls and shove it!'" He sighed, "I wish… That it was fucking-scrolls, that is." He explained seeing Athena's raised eyebrow. 

"I must admit," she said, "that there is more work being the God of Thieves and Messengers than I thought. I even have to plan the thieving business while I'm delivering messages." Athena sighed, "I miss my thinking room. I can't wait for this month to be over." 

"Yeah," Apollo agreed. "I can't wait until Cupid gathers us and we can vote yes to using the Chaos stone." 

"Yes, he better not have lost it. Do you remember how he was with his toys?" his sister asked. 

"Yes," Apollo snorted. "I do believe Ares spent most of Cupid's childhood looking for Baba Bear. But this is different. The Chaos stone is too important. No one would be stupid enough to even create the slightest opportunity of losing it." 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where is it?" Cupid growled and grabbed Zeus by the throat and lifted him up. 

He looked just like a blond Ares, Zeus thought absentmindedly before Cupid's hand started to do real damage. "Please! It was here, I promise!" he whimpered. 

Cupid put him down but didn't let go of his grip. "Then. Where. Is. It. Now?" 

"I don't know! I left it here because it was suppose to be foolproof. I created this cave as a little holiday resort away from Hera. It doesn't have an entree, the only way to get in is to transport and you can only do that if you know exactly where the cave is. And I'm the only one who knows!" 

"Well then, look for it!" Cupid snarled and pushed Zeus away. 

The two Gods went through the entire cave. Four times. Then Cupid suddenly started to stare at the ceiling. 

"Oh, Grandpa. Didn't you say that the only way to get here was to teleport in?" 

"Yes, so?" was his answer. 

"Then why is there a hole in the ceiling?" 

"Oh dear…" 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Come on, Joxer," Gabrielle whined. "You got to tell me which Goddess you've slept with! I'm dying of curiosity here!" 

"Not that it is any of your business, Gabby. But it wasn't a Goddess." Joxer smirked. 

"You've slept with a GOD!!" she bellowed. 

Their companions stared at Joxer. 

"Oh, please, tell the whole world." Joxer muttered. 

"I just don't believe this! I guess you learn something new every day. First Argo starts to talk and has this crazy idea she wants to be a male, then Iolaus reveals that he's been an Olympian groupie and now this!" Gabrielle laughed. "You're not that ugly, Joxer. I'm sure that we can find you a woman somewhere. You don't have to let yourself be used by a God! You can get someone who has real feelings for you." 

"I don't believe this!" Joxer glared at her. "I thought that you were my friend! I also believed that you were one of the most tolerant people in the world. I guess you don't practice as you preach," he said bitterly and started to walk away. 

Then he changed his mind and turned around again. "You know what, Gabrielle? People have the right to be themselves! If Mr. Ed wants to be a stallion, we should support her… eh, him. Not laugh and ignore it! And for your information, my Godly lover is gentle and sweet to me. He doesn't take advantage of me. I've taken advantage of him! Mooning after you, thinking that was love, not realizing that I already had the real thing! Well, not any more. When things are back to normal, I'm going back to him, begging on my bare knees that he will forgive me and take me back." 

He suddenly remembered that he had to breathe and took a deep breath. Then he continued, "And if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass. And you better not take that literary cause I'm a one asskisser's man only!" Then he paused and frowned, "That didn't sound right..." 

"Oh! Come on, Joxer! Don't take this so serious!" Gabrielle exclaimed, both amused and surprised by Joxer's outburst. 

Joxer didn't answer; he just started to walk towards Ptolomea. 

"Joxer is right, Gabrielle." Iolaus said sadly shaking his head at her. "You don't hurt your friends like you just did." 

"Oh, please. It was just Joxer!" 

"And Joxer has been a good, loyal friend to all of us. Besides, I didn't exactly like to be named as an 'Olympian groupie'." He looked at Joxer's retreating back. "Wait up, Joxer!" he yelled and started to run after the wannabe warrior. 

"Curly is right," Mr. Ed said and also started to run. 

Hercules looked at Xena and gave her an apologetic smile. "I better catch up with them. I think you both need to talk." He left. 

"I don't believe they'll do this to us!" Gabrielle complained. 

Xena looked at her friend, "Actually, Gabrielle. You started it. If I were you I would spend the time before we get to Ptolomea thinking over what you just said to two of our closest friends." She started to walk faster. 

"I don't believe this!" the bard whined. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I swear he's not Apollo!" the young woman shouted as two angry priests dragged her out of Apollo's temple. "It's a fake! He's dark-haired and bearded underneath his mask! Don't you see it?" 

The priests dumped her on her butt on the other side of the road. "And stay there!" one of them shouted. 

The other priest gave her a sad smile, "You're lucky the Gods usually protects the fools, but I wouldn't push my luck by insulting them in their own temples if I were you." 

"I'm not crazy! I'm telling the truth!" she shouted angry. 

"What's the matter?" Hercules asked as he helped her to her feet. 

"Someone is impersonating Apollo at the temple. He looks wrong and didn't even recognize me!" 

Hercules gave the others a look. It looked like they'd found another deity swapping God. "I'm Hercules," he said. "My friends and I will look in to this. Don't worry. It's probably a God thing. I'm sure the real Apollo will explain when he visits you the next time." 

Hercules gave her a reassuring smile that must have worked because she nodded and left. He turned to his companions, "I guess talking to 'Apollo' would be a good idea. I wonder who he really is." 

"Since she said he was dark-haired and bearded, I would put my dinars on Ares." Joxer guessed. 

"Oh, please, Joxer." Gabrielle snorted. "Ares would rather wear donkey ears in public than become the God of Healing." 

Joxer glared at her. "From what Hercules told us about this deity swapping thing, I doubt Zeus gave him a choice. And if anyone should be wearing donkey ears, it should be you." 

A shimmer suddenly surrounded Gabrielle. When it disappeared, donkey ears had replaced Gabby's human ears. She hesitantly put her hands up and touched them. Then she screamed hysterically. 

Xena tried to make her calm down, she really tried. 

She talked calmly to her while stroking her shoulders soothingly. It didn't work. 

She shook Gabrielle, shouting to her to stop screaming. It didn't work. 

She slapped Gabby's face several times. Hard. It didn't work. 

Finally she used her nerve pinch to put Gabrielle to sleep. That worked. At least Gabby quieted. 

Xena looked at Joxer, "I guess we've found out what triggers this madness. You didn't happen to say anything about Argo talking before she started to speak, did you?" 

"I kinda wished that she could talk to me," he admitted sheepishly. 

"But how can Joxer cause this?" Iolaus asked. 

"I think that would be an excellent question to ask the God of Healing." Hercules gestured towards Apollo's temple, "Shall we?" 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What do you mean, you've LOST IT!!" Ares, currently God of Light and Healing bellowed. 

Zeus cringed, "How was I suppose to know that someone would enter the cave?" 

"Of all the idiotically, stupid things to do, you had to go and mess with something that concerns my well being." His son muttered. 

"Oh, Ares. It's not like you'll die if we don't get it back." 

"No, but I'll wish I have! If I have to pretend being this goody two shoes much longer, I'll go nuts!" Ares growled. "I want to maim someone! Preferably Hercules or Blondie." 

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Zeus blandly said at the same time as Cupid asked, "Iolaus?" 

Ares rolled his eyes, "No, Gabrielle of course! Iolaus isn't bad if you don't count his choice in friends." 

"Oh, yeah!" Zeus leered. "He's quite a specimen." 

Ares glared at his father. "Haven't we gotten away from the point. What are you guys going to do about the missing Chaos stone?" He continued to glare at Zeus; "You're not going to put this on Cupid, old man. This is your mess and my son will NOT take the blame for it. If the stone isn't found in time for the meeting, You'll confess to the whole pantheon or I'll show you exactly how much pain I can cause another God if I put my mind in to it. Are we clear?" 

Zeus gulped, "As crystal." 

"Do you have any ideas, Dad?" Cupid asked having a lump in his throat after hearing that his father *did* care about him. "We've looked everywhere!" 

"Well, first…" Ares was interrupted when his half brother and friends entered the temple. 

They were quite a sight, Xena was carrying a passed out Gabrielle with long donkey ears and Mr. Ed had followed them inside. 

"When did Blondie get donkey ears?" Cupid asked. "And why did you bring the horse?" 

Mr. Ed looked at the God she saw as being Zeus. "Oh, My lord, King of the Gods, Ruler of Olympus, please turn me into a stallion." 

"Well, that was unexpected," Ares said. "What's going on?" 

"Apparently, when Joxer wishes for something, it happens." Hercules explained. "We came here to ask if the God of Healing could help him. Is there anything you can do?" He made it quite clear that he didn't take Ares commitment as God of Healing seriously. 

Ares laughed, "So Joxer finally got enough of that bitch. Good for him! I'll see what I can do." 

He walked around Joxer, looking at him intensively, sometimes sniffing at him. Raising his hands like he was trying to touch something. Suddenly he smiled. 

"I think I can solve your little problem, Father." He turned to Joxer, "Say, Joxer, have you found any crystals lately?" 

"Oh, do you mean this shiny thingy?" Joxer asked and pulled the Chaos stone out of his pocket. 

"Thank you Gaea!" Zeus exclaimed. "I'm saved!" 

Seeing that Joxer was confused, Ares explained. "This is the Chaos stone. It's required in the ceremony to change our Godhoods back." He glared at his father, "Zeus, as the God of Mischief tried to play Cupid a prank. Unfortunately did it back fire when you picked up the Chaos stone from Zeus cave." He grinned when he heard Hercules trying to choke a laugh at the mentioning of his father as the God of Mischief. He continued, "The Chaos stone has other functions than acting like an access key for our powers. It's very powerful and probably sentient. It must like you, since it tries to fulfill your wishes." He became serious; "It could just as well blown you to pieces for daring to touch it. You could have gotten killed, Joxer!" 

Joxer paled and quickly handed Ares the crystal. Ares handed it to Cupid and said, "Take care of it this time, and hide it where Father won't look." He then turned to the four heroes and the horse. "As much as it disgusts me to be the good guy in this adventure and actually save your asses, I guess that as the God of Healing I have to fix Blondie's ears and the horse." He grabbed Gabby's donkey ears, (quite easy since they were big) and they disappeared in a yellow glow. 

Ares then went to the horse. "I heard your wish to become a stallion, Mr. Ed. And I read in your mind that you're serious about it. So I'll give you a choice, I can turn you into a stallion, but then you'll lose the ability so speak. It's your choice." 

Mr. Ed thought about it for a while. Then he said, "I'll chose to be a stallion. Speaking is over rated anyway. And Joxer is the only one who listens to me. And he knows what I want without words." He gave Xena a glare, "I'll continue as your horse, just as long you and Blondie remember to call me Mr. Ed. If you don't, you'll be walking on your own two feet. Understand?" 

Xena smiled, "I understand, Mr. Ed. I'm glad you want to stay with me." 

The horse turned to Ares. "I'm ready," he said and closed his eyes. The same yellow glow that healed Gabrielle surrounded him and then Mr. Ed was suddenly a bit bigger and had received a couple of …eh… extra parts. 

Xena gently woke Gabrielle. "No donkey ears?" she asked hopefully. 

"No donkey ears," Xena reassured her. 

"Good. Donkey ears bad." Gabrielle stated. 

Xena looked at Ares, "What's wrong with her?" 

"She's just in shock. She'll be all right in a couple of days," he answered. 

Gabby pointed at Mr. Ed. "Horsy," she said. 

"So when are you guys switching back? Cause you're upsetting a lot of people." Hercules looked at his brother, "Aunt Hestia as the God of War was probably not a good idea. Your soldiers are confused. They're not used to have to discuss their feelings and home life with their God." 

Ares groaned and buried his face in his hands. Cupid patted him comforting on the back. He was afraid to think about what Hades had done as God of Love. 

"We'll probably change real soon," Zeus answered Hercules. "Most Gods seem to want to change back." 

Herc gave him a nod, "Good. I guess all Gods have their place and purpose. We better be leaving." He gave Iolaus a smile, "After all, there is a festival going on." 

"You betcha, Herc. And I'm going to eat so much pie…" was heard as the two friends left. 

"We better go with them," Xena said. She looked at Ares," Uh… thank you." 

He just gave her a nod. 

She turned to Gabrielle, "Time to go, Gabrielle!" 

"Go bye, bye?" Gabby asked. 

"That's right." She turned to Joxer, "Are you coming with us, Joxer?" 

He shook his head, "No, I have to talk to Ares. I have some crow to eat." 

"Oh," Xena said surprised. Of all Gods, Ares was the one she'd least expected to be Joxer's lover. "Well, Good bye then. And good luck." She left leading Mr. Ed with one hand and Gabrielle with the other. 

"I guess we'll be off too," Zeus said. 

Cupid nodded, "I'll let you know when the meeting is." He looked meaningfully at Joxer, "Don't let your pride ruin this, Dad." 

The two Gods left in a trademark flash. 

"So…" Joxer said. 

"So…" Ares said. 

"So, do you think you'll ever forgive me for making the most stupid mistake in my life and hurting you and taking Xena's side and…" his chin started to shiver, "Not that I expect you to still love me, but please let me stay with you, even if only as…" 

Ares interrupted him by giving him an earth-shaking kiss that continued until Joxer was desperate for air. Then his God said, "I never stopped loving you, Joxer. Are you back for good this time?" 

Joxer couldn't believe his luck. "I…I'm back for as long as you want me," he stammered. 

Ares smiled, "Then that's forever." He embraced his lover. 

"At least for a lifetime," Joxer mumbled into Ares chest. 

Ares chuckled. Should he tell his lover now that the Chaos stone had made him immortal, or should he wait? 

He felt Joxer getting hard, pressing against his hip. 

It could wait. 

They had more important things to do. 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> As I said in the beginning, this was written years ago. Looking back at it, there are things t I would do differently today.
> 
> The major part I'd change is the way I treated poor Gabrielle. :( But I did write it, and I don't want to see it gone or hidden.
> 
> It was the best I could do at the time, and honestly, I'm not sure I could write much better now. Perhaps a bit more mature and way more true to the characters, but my style and grammar have definitely not improved.
> 
> But I am sorry for Gabrielle.


End file.
